


ME3 - A Story That Just Had to be Told

by Emantsal1A



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:24:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5241470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emantsal1A/pseuds/Emantsal1A
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mass Effect 3 and the voices in Shepard's head</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just things living in my head. Crack and some smut. Enjoy.

MASS EFFECT 3  
A story that just had to be told…..  
By: Emantsal1A

 

“Shepard! Quit rolling around and get your ass up here!” Andersen barked. Behind him, Shepard continued to roll left, then right, then left again, finally making it over the barricade. 

“Sorry Sir! Just trying to figure out this whole movement thing.”

“What the hell are you talking about Jane? We don’t have time for you to play games. Earth is under attack!”

“I know sir. It’s just that I have to… to really think about moving forward, and crouching. And for some reason, when I try to move left or right and go forward, I roll.”

“You have to think about walking? Is someone controlling those cybernetics Cerberus installed in you?”

“I don’t know Sir. I don’t know. Every since the Reapers landed, I’ve been hearing this voice in my head…”

“Voices? Shepard, now is not the time to tell me things like this. We have to get to the Normandy!”

“Sorry Sir, but - ”

“Shepard, take out those husk!”

WARP!

“Where the hell did that voice come from?”

“Oh God! Now you’re hearing them, too!”

INCINERATE!

“Jesus F-ing Christ, Shepard! What is that?”

MEOW…MEOW  
MORRIS GET AWAY FROM THAT KINECT SENSOR  
MEOW… MEOW

“Is that the Reapers?” 

“No, the Reapers call themselves Harbinger. I’ve never heard of this Morris.”

“We need to get to the Normandy. Evidently the Reapers are working with this Morris now.”

“Maybe it’s the mother ship’s name, like Sovereign.”

“We still need to get by those husk.”

WARP!

INCINERATE!

MEOW…. MEOW….

 

A/N I make no apologies for this stupid little story. Especially when I’m such a spaz with the Xbox controller. And my cat just loves to mess with the Kinect sensor….


	2. Chapter 2

MASS EFFECT 3  
A story that just had to be told…..  
By: Emantsal1A

Chapter 2

 

The battles were growing more fierce as they made their way across the galaxy recruiting asari, krogan, hannar, turian… anyone who would help in the war against the reapers.

Shepard and crew had finally accepted THE VOICE that shouted over the sounds of the battle, commands issues to Shepard and team that compelled their obedience.

And above all the fray the now anticipated MEOW…. MEOW…

MORRIS, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE TV! STOP MESSING WITH THAT SENSOR!

MEOW

MEOW

What happened next was almost inevitable…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Explosions rocked the area as Shepard and team ducked behind a downed transport. 

“Shepard, you cannot win. We are the harbin - ”

MEOW MEOW

“We are the harbing - ”

DAMN IT MORRIS, DON’T MAKE ME GET UP OFF THIS COUCH!

“Shepard, your destruction - ”

MEOW

MEOW

“Shepard…” the Reaper finally seemed to sigh in what seemed like frustration, “we will be in contact.” The battlefield cleared leaving a very confused Shepard standing amid the rubble.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

On a desolate planet littered with the ravaged corpses of war, Shepard and team crouched behind a rocky outcropping. 

“You messed with the wrong people, Shepard! Cerberus will - ”

MEOW… purrrrrrrrrrrr

COME HERE LITTLE BABY! 

“Shepard! Cerberus will not let you - ”

PURRRRRRRRRRRRR… PURRRRRRRRRRRR

MORRIS, YOU’RE BEING SO SWEET…

“Shepard, the Illusive Man will crush - ”

OW! YOU LITTLE SHIT! WHY’D YOU BITE ME?

“Shepard…” the Cerberus agent seemed to sigh in growing frustration, “we will be in contact.” And the battlefield cleared leaving a very confused Shepard standing amid the rubble.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In a dark, dank ruin, on a long forgotten planet in a far realm of the galaxy, Shepard and team made their way through the cramped alleyways of the abandoned city towards a secret destination. A message had just appeared on her computer one day, and when she asked EDI, who had abandoned the Illusive Man and joined with Shepard and the Alliance, where it had come from, the AI was unable to tell her. It seemed as if the message had just appeared out of thin air.

It was a request to meet to discuss a matter of critical importance that affected the entire galaxy. There had been no name, no way of responding, nothing other than a place and time. 

Since the message had appeared, Reaper attacks had almost stopped and Cerberus had been alarmingly silent. With no other information to go on, Shepard headed the Normandy to the coordinates and choosing her squad, took a shuttle down to the planet surface.

Now, in a back room of the long abandoned building, prothean looking by design, she waited, ever mindful that this was probably a setup. Alert for any sound, any movement, they waited. And the voice was suspiciously absent…

Before too long, the sounds of feet and metal could be heard moving their way. Readying their weapons, they prepared for who know what, waiting silently for contact to be made. Before long, something flew through the open doorway and landed close to her feet. A rock, with a paper tied around it.

“What the fuck it that,” Garrus asked, cautiously eyeing the ancient method of communication.

“Is that a note, tied to a rock?” Kaiden asked in all seriousness.

“I guess there’s only one way to find out,” Jane said, striding forward cautiously and retrieving the rock.

No monitoring devices. Turn off all communications equipment. It is the only way to keep ‘the voice’ away.

“Oh my GOD! You mean we’re not the only ones hearing it?” Kaiden gasped behind her.

From the doorway, a hand appeared around the corner and waived, getting their attention. Shepard just stared when the hand turned out to be attached to the Illusive Man. A finger pressed to his lips in the universal symbol for silence, he advanced into the room. Behind him, what appeared to be a miniaturized version of a Reaper floated through the air.

Before Shepard could even begin to formulate a plan of escape, the Illusive Man handed her another piece of paper.

Morris must be stopped.

Behind him, the Reaper beeped what sounded suspiciously like “TRUE DAT.”

Nodding in agreement, Shepard reached up and turned off her comm, motioning to the rest of her team to do the same…


	3. Chapter 3

MASS EFFECT 3  
A story that just had to be told…..  
By: Emantsal1A

Chapter 3

 

"But Shepard," Kaidan began, still trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened. "I don't understand how this is going to defeat the Reapers. This," he waived his hand indicating the sheets of paper clutched there, "is a movie script!"

"I know that Kaidan. And that," she pointed at the table, "is a calculator." Turning back to painting letters on her armor in neon green and pink with black stripes, she continued, "Every since the Reapers and EDI and the Geth collaborated and found out that we are all nothing but the pawns of this entity called The Catalyst, which may be that strange Morris creature that we sometimes hear in our head, which is owned and operated by something that calls itself Bioware, I have worked with Tim and Harbinger, or T&H as I like to call them, to regain control of our own destiny."

"But Shepard," Kaidan tried again, "according to this, the only way to win the war requires you to become friends with everyone in the galaxy and save everyone's ass. But along the way you lose your friend Mordin, your lover, Thane, which I don't mind so much if he dies," the biotic's voice seemed to trail off as if he didn't really want his commander to hear.

"Take that back Kaidan," Jane yelled. She could hear him just fine. "Thane is delicious eye candy, just like you. I plan to keep you both chained in my cabin after this is all over."

"Commander?" Kaidan didn't think he had heard right. Was she suggesting?

"And maybe that Primarch, too…" she muttered to herself as she went about using a blow dryer to dry the paint on her armor. "Oh, and Vega….."

"Fuck you Bioware!" stood out in vivid contract to her usually pristine white armor.

"I took the liberty of decorating your armor too, Kaidan," she said, pointing to where his armor was lying on the floor of the armory.

"Harby is my Buddy!" was scrawled across the armor's back while next to it, Garrus' chest plate sported a bright yellow "Cerberus is my Friend".

"But Shepard," he tried one last time. "Why are there numbers assigned to every council race and even some people?" He's studied most the script, even highlighted his one name every time he was mentioned or had a line to say. It concerned him that Lt. Vega was mentioned four times more and that the drell had an astounding one hundred and two spoken lines, and was going to be with the commander in her cabin before the end of the, movie? Was that what they were doing? Making a movie? "And I thought Thane was going to die? Why is he alone with you in your cabin on page…. 87?"

"Kaidan, did you read page 89 through 105?" she asked, looking over to watch the human biotic quickly turn to those pages. She couldn't keep the laugh from escaping her lips when his eyes got big and he began turning every color of red… and then maybe a little green….

"But Shepard, I don't swing that way!" he protested.

"Of course you do, Kaidan. Or at least you will if you want us to win this war!" she went over to where he held the script open to page 97. "Look, that gets us 2,000 points and that could be the difference between retaking control of our lives or being the plaything of this Catalyst and Bioware. Thane and Garrus have already read their parts and have expressed no objections…"

"But Thane is supposed to die on the Citadel! How can he be in this scene when he's dead?"

"Do you really think I would let any one of my team die? I've worked it all out with TIM and Harby. We follow the script, see. The final scene will show what appears to be me surrounded by rubble of the destroyed Citadel. Only it's not the Citadel. The Reapers have like three of those things in deep space just handing out, you know. Something about a backup of a backup of a backup…. Just in case. Anyway, Mordin is going to develop a cure for Keprals and save the Krogans from the genophage. I in turn save the galaxy with my amazing points gathering skills and make friends with everyone in the known galaxy. Acording to the formula EDI has been able to develop, everything I've ever done will be quantified by some number."

"And those numbers help us win the war how?"

"Kaidan…. Kaidan…. We're not going to win the war. We're going to find out exactly who this Catalyst…"

MEOW!  
MORRIS, GET DOWN FROM THERE!  
MEOW MEOW  
COME ON YOU LITTLE CAT. I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU OVER HERE.  
MEOW! PURRRRRRRRRR….CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

"Shepard! What's happening?" Kaidan almost screamed like a little girl as the entire ship began to shake.

CRUNCH CRUNCH

"It's the cat! Catalyst! MORRIS!"

"Commander, EDI is trying to compensate for the unexpected turbulence. We're going to pull into the Citadel and park until whatever is going on is over," Joker came on over the comm. "This could be a good time to use that apartment Capt. Anderson told you about."

"There is that one adult toy store I wanted to stop at and look around a bit," she agreed. "Set course for the Citadel, Joker. And EDI, see if you can get a reading or some kind of link up to this Morris, and how he's shaking our ship."

"Affirmative Shepard."

"Come on Kaidan. There's nothing else we can do here," she said even as the shaking decreased and the purring sound moved away. "We need to rehearse the scene on page 46, so let's do that while we're on the way to the Citadel."

"Page 46… page 46," he said, thumbing through the script still clutched tightly in his fist. "Um…. Shepard…. Commander…. What exactly is pegging?"

"Oh Kaidan… Kaidan… you really have lead a sheltered life…."

"EDI, I want a security system so secure for my room that not even my underwear can enter or leave without me knowing about it. I don't want this Catalyst and Bioware to know what we have planned for them."

"I'm on it Shepard. Are you sure you want to be notified every time your underwear enters or leaves the room?"

"Yes. I want extra tight security."

"Your underwear just left the room."

"But I'm in the cargo bay, EDI."

"I know Shepard. Thane was just leaving your room."

"Oh, OK. Is he wearing the matching set or just the thong?"

"Ser Krios is currently searing just your thong, Shepard."

"Thanks EDI. I'll deal with that drell later."

 

A/N: Once again I make no apologies for the insanity of this offering to the story gods. Might be updated again in a few days... maybe...


	4. Chapter 4

MASS EFFECT 3

A story that just had to be told….

By: Emantsal

Chapter 4

‘Need something Shepard?” Thane smirked when she entered Life Support. The thong rode between the twin globes of his butt constantly reminding him of his lovely Siha.

“Have time to talk?” she asked, moving to straddle his legs and sit facing him. 

“I have all the time in the world now that Mordin has developed a cure for Keprals, And, you know that anything I have, whether it is time or ammo or tiny chocolate gummy bears… everything I have is yours, Siha.”

Jane’s heart almost melted everytime that deep gravelly voice said her name. Wait? Did he say something about tiny chocolate gummy bears?

“So Thane, about these tiny chocolate gummmmmmmm” she almost melted into a puddle as he kissed her and slowly pushed a tiny chocolate gummy bear into her mouth from his. 

Thirty minutes later she was adjusting her clothes, running a hand through her hair to smooth the curly locks behind both ears. On the narrow bed, a naked Thane reclined with an all too satisfied smirk on his full lips. Lips she wanted to…

“I do not believe that was in the script you are constantly toting around, Siha.” 

“It is in the extended directors cut which will be available in the future, sometime after the initial release.” Or at least it will be when I finish rewriting the script, she thought.

“Oh, I almost forgot what I came here for,” she continued as she bent down to pick up her red thong from the floor. “There is a meeting tonight in the lounge. I want everyone there so we can discuss what EDI and the others have discovered about Morris and Bioware. She said she has some big news and is currently working on making sure the room is secure before we meet.” Walking toward the door, she shoved the underwear in the pocket of her pants.

“Siha, you are leaving with my thong.”

“It’s my thong, Thane. But,” she looked back slyly over her shoulder to where he was still reclining on the bed, “if you go up to the cabin, I left something for you on my bed.” With that she walked out into the hall way and made her way to Liara’s office.

“Shepard, we are secure,” EDI remarked when she entered the lounge and door slid shut behind her. Inside the room, her team gathered to hear the next phase of their plan to deal with this Morris, the Catalyst and Bioware.

“Liara and her ShadowBroker Agents, TIM, and Harbinger have been working tirelessly to find out everything they could about this Morris, the Catalyst and Bioware,” EDI began. 

“And we can’t forget the big help you and Legion have been to analyzing all the incoming data,” Jane interrupted, helping herself to a hors d’oeuvre of fresh apple wrapped in crispy, smoky bacon and topped with cheddar cheese, baked until the cheese just melted.

“Who made these?” she asked, looking around the room.

“I did commander,” Vega piped up. “Gotta keep the guns fed,” he said, flexing his impressive biceps as he reached for one himself. “Need to be ready for whatever you need from me.”

Unfortunately at that moment Jane pictured Vega in the kitchen wearing nothing but a frilly apron as he scooped chocolate ice cream into a bowl and topped it with whipped cream…..

“Shepard,” Liara said with that exasperated voice of her, clicking her fingers in front of the commander’s face. “Stop picturing whatever it is your picturing in your head. We need you to be in the here and now. Continue EDI.”

“It took untold resources, but we believe we have uncovered the main plot. The Geth have linked all their resources and determined that Morris is simply a cat. It is the voice that we have all heard speaking to the car that we should be more concerned with.”

“Hold up EDI,” Vega interrupted. “Do you mean a cat-cat? The purring, fluffy, cuddly kind found on earth?”

“That is correct Lt. Vega. Morris is of feline origin from earth.”

“Then what’s the catalyst?” Shepard asked, thoroughly confused and feeling very blond.

“The catalyst is a… Before I continue, I believe Legion should explain what the geth have been able to discover.”

“Shepard Commander,” the geth platform began, moving from where it had been standing unnoticed in the corner. “We have identified multiple outcomes based on the manuscript Cerberus was able to obtain. By quantifying your achievements with numbers, we have calculated 5,482,874.02458715 possible scenarios and outcomes. In doing so, we identified a runstream algorathim consistent with many popular video games from 20th century earth.”

“Wait! Are you telling me we are all just a video game?” 

“We have concluded that the probability of achieving the collective assistance necessary to achieve the intended goal of defeating the reapers was approximately 1 in 204,597,923,018.68972305 without the assistance of outside influence. We were further able to verify all possible outcomes by infiltrating Bioware headquarters and obtaining copies of their intended goals.”

“Outside influence? You mean what I thought were my own decisions weren’t? And how did you find this Bioware and how did you infiltrate them?

“With assistance from Cerberus and the reapers, we were able to follow a runstream back to a decision node, much like the virtual world you visited on Rannoch. From there a geth inflitrator was able to download into a resident data receptical and in periods of inactivity within the Bioware mainframe, mine data from their collective consensus. After reviewing this initial data, we noted that all outcomes were incomplete. By linking to a primitive video recording device it was discovered that a secret design process was used to finalize the outcome of this war and obscure any relevance of your past decisions.”

“Shepard,” EDI interrupted, from where she was seated beside Joker. “Bioware programmers had completed 99% of the game code and sequence when an executive decision was made - “

“We’re really just a video game?” she almost whined, before getting a grip and assuming her commander stance. “How do the geth feel about his revelation, Legion?” she asked.

“Shepard Commander, geth do not feel. We compile data, analyze and form a collective consensus based on the results obtained.”

“TIM and Harby,” she said, looking nowhere in particular, “I know you’re linked in on this conversation. What are your thoughts?”

“I feel your pain, Shepard,” Harbinger intoned in that deep sarcastic and snooty voice that almost shook the room.

“Cut the crap Harby. And get rid of the accent. You forget I know exactly what little backwater planet you originated from. You worked at an insurance agency. As the last intelligent lifeform left in that cycle, you were integrated into the reaper form. And don’t get me started on the things your fellow reapers have told me. You actually tried to sell them life insurance? Life insurance?”

“Which would have benefited Sovereign, now wouldn’t it?” 

“You mean, you. I believe you wanted to list yourself as the beneficiary. What the hell did you even need money for anyway? You’re a REAPER!””

“I play the stock market during our off season,” he huffed, still in that snooty-snotty voice.

“Shepard, this is humanity’s chance to secure our future,” TIM interrupted. “Together we can - ”

“Blah, blah, blah…. Humanity, shmanity. If you haven’t noticed, I’m sleeping with a Drell and have a Turian best buddy, who I may or may not also sleep with. We’re all in this together. Bioware has all our nuts and tits in a vice and if we don’t work together, we’re all screwed.”

“So, what do we do, Commander?” Vega piped up from where he sat still munching on the snacks. Of course in Shepard’s mind, he was still wearing nothing but an apron and…

“Normandy to Shepard. Normandy to Shepard,” Liara was once again snapping her fingers in front of the Commander’s face. That was becoming annoying….

She leaned over and whispered into Liara’s ear.

“Siha, please stop picturing the Lieutenant in nothing but an apron and return your mind to the task at hand. You can return to your fantasy later. And if you are really good, maybe we can make fantasy a reality.”

“Um… Commander?” 

“Will there be more of those little snacks thingys involved?”

“I am sure you can convince Lt. Vega to make more.”

“Um… Shepard?”

“Liara, make a note,” she started to say, but found her longtime friend looking at the Lt. strangely.

“Normandy to Liara. Normandy to Liara,” she said, snapping her fingers in front of the asari’s face. 

“It is blue or green?” Liara asked, never removing her eyes from Vega, who was now turning the most appealing shade of pink.

“Black satin. It makes his skin glow.” 

“Oh, yes. I see what you mean.”

“Shepard, we are in the middle of battle strategy and this is not the proper time to “calibrate” Lt. Vegs’s gun,” the smooth as sin voice of Garrus interrupted her daydream.

“Stop pissing in my Fruit Loops Garrus. And besides, isn’t your gun on the schedule to be “calibrated” tonight?” she asked, still never taking her eyes from the Lieutenant. 

“Only if you get this meeting wrapped up in time. Concentrate Shepard so I can go prepare my… big gun for your personal inspection.” The last was whispered in her ear, causing a thrilling shiver to snake down her spine in anticipation.

“Shepard,” EDI interrupted. “As I was attempting to explain earlier, Bioware had completed 99% of the game code and story line when an executive decision was made to allow two special writers to complete the rest of the story in secret. No one knew what the catalyst was supposed to be, only that all would be explained in the final scenes.”

“So, did the geth discover what this catalyst is?”

“Yes, Shepard. It is the child you tried to rescue when the reapers attached earth.”

“You mean that little brat that wouldn’t get out of the tunnel when I told him to?”

“The same.”

“How is that little brat the catalyst?”

“The writers needed something to wrap up all the storylines in a nice neat package that would not require writing extensive endings to reflect all the possible endings based on the decisions the game player had made during all three games.”

“All three games?”

“Shepard Commander, the geth infiltrator was able to download all three games and discern that based on the sex of the player, there were the approximately 5,482,874.02458715 possible scenarios and outcomes I mentioned earlier. To write, code, and illustrate that many endings, Bioware would have needed approximately 7.9 more years to complete the game.”

“Shepard,” Liara continued where Legion left off, “Bioware is owned by a company called Electronic Arts Sports, also known as EA Sports. They make video games. Several extranet sites claimed that EA Sports pressured Bioware to complete the game and release it as soon as possible.”

“And exactly how does the bratty kid play into all this?”  
“The Catalyst offers you four color choice options to end the game. Kill the reapers, and all AIs die, too. Become a reaper, and control them. Merge organics and AIs and the reapers. Or, do nothing and the reapers eliminate everyone,” Liara explained.

“So, everything I ever did in my life comes down to… Color choices?”

“Red – reapers die. Blue – you become a reaper. Green – everyone becomes a synthetic. Or, you could try shooting the kid… I don’t think there was a color for that. Is clear a color?”

“Oh for the love of God...”

“But what does this have to do with the cat?” Kaidan asked, a perplexed frown on his face. 

“I have no idea,” Shepard replied. Looking at Legion, she raised an eyebrow.

“Shepard Commander, the device housing our collective run stream is currently located in a house on Earth that is occupied by a cat. No consensus has been reached by the Geth to explain our ability to hear this cat.”

Liara interrupted and said, “But, according to my resources, cats were once worshiped as gods on earth and when I talked to my private psychic about everything that has happened, she consulted her tea leaves and said we must found a new religion called Morrisism and when the light of his purr has been…”

“But the other voice, which sounded a lot like a human woman, threatened Morris,” Garris reminded everyone.

“Oh. My. God….” Shepard said, a look of complete shock and terror on her face. “I think I know who that is.” Getting up and walking over to the viewing port, she looked out over the vast expanse of space.

“Shepard? What’s going on?” Garrus asked, casting a concerned look in Thane’s direction.

Turning around to look at everyone in the room she took a deep breath and said, “I think I know who it is. I think it’s ‘The Author’”. Taking a deep breath again she waited for that bit of information to sink in.

“Um…. who?” Vega asked, drawing all eyes to himself. 

“It can’t be, Shepard. It just can’t be!” Liara exclaimed. “The Author is a myth. A legend…”

“It all makes sense now. The dreams, the myst in the trees, the creepy kid…” Shepard shook her head and went back to sit on Thane’s lap. 

“Look at us. Cerberus, Alliance, Reapers… all working together. In what universe could this ever happen?”

“By. The. Goddess!” Liara cried out at the same time Vega dropped the plate of snacks he was holding.

“What’s happening Commander?” Vega cried out as his uniform slowly disappeared to be replaced by only a black satin apron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... each chapter keeps getting longer than the last.... hum.


End file.
